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By Cathy Eck
This is a very long post about a very important trap that causes people to hit thick walls in letting go. Often they stop their progress completely. I’m talking about “Nice Person Syndrome.” It not only pulls people into the illusion, it’s one of the biggest traps on the road to freedom. I wanted to speak about “Nice Person Syndrome” in many ways without breaking the post up into small posts that lose the flow and momentum. Understanding this syndrome helps to keep us on the superhighway to freedom. Like any superhighway, there are rest stops to take a walk or grab a bite to eat along the way. So grab a beer, sit back and relax, and let go of the nice girl or guy inside of you. When you do, you’ll find the courage you need to be Your Self.
The above video is my favorite video of all the zillions I’ve watched on the internet. It demonstrates how ripping off our mask and speaking with our clear, authentic voice (combined with a little humor) changes the world. People say they want to change the world, but they don’t. They want someone else to change the world while they sit around looking nice and discussing the issues at hand, thus assuring their palace in heaven. They believe their nice facade doesn’t hurt anything; they might even think they’re helping others with kindness. That’s why I want to show exactly why nice doesn’t help anyone. In fact, it’s harmful because nice has an evil shadow — meanness or fighting. Fighting doesn’t solve anything either; and people are starting to see that. But the pendulum has swung between nice and fighting for thousands of years. If we pay attention, we see this in our own lives. When someone does something we don’t like, we believe that we can either suck up our emotions and be nice; or we can deck them. We don’t see the way out because there is no way out of opposites; they come as a pair — like conjoined twins.
The answer sits at the top of the triangle (click here for the triangle process link); we solve our problems by speaking truthfully and authentically directly into the fighting or into the nice. To do that we must let go of the beliefs, which we hear or think — the beliefs that are contributing to the situation. That means being able to say that something is FALSE to ourselves or others. And those who want to protect the illusion tell us that exposing false isn’t nice. Thus we think we’re imprisoned by terrorists or evil people, but we’re actually imprisoned by NICE. So we need people to gather the courage and conviction to lead the way in exposing what actually lies behind the big masks. Occasionally some of these people come along in the form of comedians.
The above video speaks of everything that I know to be true. Jon Stewart has mentored Bassem Youssef to speak the truth in a place where no one believes they can do so. That’s what mentorship is all about. It’s not like training or coaching. You can’t fake mentorship; you can only do it because you once walked in the same shoes as the person you’re mentoring. You know the booby traps and land mines. Few people really believe that it’s possible to be yourself even in America; they’ve long ago conformed. So the fact that Bassem Youssef would decide to become the Jon Stewart of Egypt is truly an oasis in the desert.
Jon understands walking a fine line even if his line wasn’t as fine as Bassem’s. Without Jon behind him, Bassem might not take this risk. They have a win-win deal. We mentor for the rare Bassem moments when the person takes the challenge we set before them; we get to watch them bloom into the person they were meant to be. And in that moment, you know that you (the mentor) didn’t do anything. Without their courage and trust in their own True Self, they wouldn’t have done anything at all. You can see that in Jon; he’s truly inspired by Basset’s unbelievable courage. He finds him heroic and amazing. As a mentor, I know that feeling. It’s pretty damn cool.
Jon’s answer to Bassem’s popularity is perfect, “He better not do crap material.” You see, Jon has learned that if Bassem remains completely himself, he’ll be safe. He knows that Bassem was inspired to do what he’s doing. He also knows that at any moment, we can fall into the temptation to water down the truth so as not to offend. We can get an attack of “Nice Person Syndrome,” and then we aren’t safe anymore. We’ve given our power away. We’ve done nothing to change the situation. Someone’s fragile ego suddenly appeared too dangerous. To speak as truthfully and publicly as Jon and Bassem do, one must recognize that fragile egos are powerless because they’re false.
Jon clearly states that it isn’t Bassem that’s crossing the line, it’s the rest of the world. Why is that so fucking hard to get? This isn’t just about leaders; it’s about anytime that any of us don’t challenge brainwashed minds. People talk backwards all the time. They look for agreement for their jealousy, hatred, and anger. They look for sympathy for their self-created problems. And we give it to them. They pave the road to hell with their every word, and we don’t stop them. Why? We’ve got a worldwide epidemic of “Nice Person Syndrome.” We’re scared shitless to not be nice. We’re terrified to tell others that they deceived us or aren’t a good person. We’re scared they’ll call us haters, thump their Bible in our face, or suicide bomb us. We’d rather live like zombies than tell someone we don’t believe them.
Fear of the Illusion
We have to stop being afraid of the illusion. Not one of us is born with an illusion mentality. Illusion means not real. People live life as if Walt Disney was dominated and controlled by Mickey Mouse; but Walt Disney wasn’t controlled by Mickey Mouse because Disney knew he created Mouse. And let me tell you, those in power know this. They know everyone is afraid of their Mickey Mouse cartoon. They speak about it like it’s real while knowing in their own mind that it isn’t. They know they’re lying. They know that knowing the truth in secret is more powerful than the lies they speak to you and I. They know that the inner creates the outer. It’s us stupid followers that think obeying the outer makes our inner good.
The false God and the scary elite were made up by men to give them false power. People don’t follow God; they follow other people who claim to know what God wants; and they’re lying. Mickey Mouse was made up by a man to entertain others. Thus we laugh at the mouse and cower at the false God even though they’re the same. If we laughed at the false God, the illusion will soon become entertainment just like the Mouse. And that’s what Jon and Bassem know in their hearts. That’s why they continue to do what they do. You see, illusion perpetrators are stuck in the illusion too. If we get free; they’re powerless to us.
My favorite part of the video is Jon Stewart’s advice on comedy. Bassem says in his adorable accent, “I will tell you the best advice Jon Stewart ever gave me. I told him that I don’t know what to do…I don’t know what to make fun of. It’s very tense; there’s a thin line everywhere. And he told me, ‘You know what, make fun of whatever you feel. If you feel that you’re afraid, make fun of that. If you feel that you can’t talk about your subjects, make fun of that. If you don’t have anything to say, make fun of that.'” This is incredible life advice. When we make fun of our own false self, we aren’t giving it fuel. We aren’t believing it. We get into the present moment. We handle what’s there. Suddenly we see it all for what it is. When we do this inner work, we activate humor, our seventh sense. Humor, truth, and unconditional love are the most powerful weapons in the world. They will keep us safe as long as we don’t cover them with beliefs and false niceness.
Bassem is a hero; so is Jon. This will offend most of the world, but those who are wearing the medals for killing aren’t true heroes and never will be. It takes courage to expose falseness and speak the truth; it takes blind obedience to pull a trigger at an imaginary enemy. Let me point out that military people wear dog tags; you’ll see what I mean by that in a moment. Until we understand this, we won’t draw the lines where they need to be drawn; nothing will change. We won’t see freedom. We’ll only have choices like picking fish or chicken when the airplane steward delivers our meal. Jon says it all when he says that Bassem shouldn’t have to draw a line, the governments should. But we don’t even ask them to draw a line. So why would they?
“Nice Person Syndrome” is epidemic because it’s fueled by our social protocol, religion, spirituality teachers, and education system; but it does have a cure. Some of us have to develop immunity by letting go of beliefs and moving into a True Masculine role within the illusion. Any of us can do that in our little space in the world. The true masculine leader stands up for the True Self and exposes the false self in the classroom, the business, the home…. “Nice Person Syndrome” has had power because it put people in the masculine role automatically; we’ve been mentally wired to trust nice people without discriminating. Think of the serial killer; people always say, “I never suspected it; he was so nice.” People hold their shadow down for so long; then they often crack or explode. Some psychologists say that cancer is a nice person disease. It makes sense, cancer cells are like rebels taking over the body. Nice person beliefs are like rebels taking over the mind. People who defeat cancer often come back more courageous, more alive.
The cure for “Nice Person Syndrome” requires that we never again believe someone who’s speaking from an illusory point of view — we must learn to discriminate. It requires that we stop seeking our spirit and start listening to the one we already have. It requires that we stop looking for our purpose and take on the only purpose that matters — breaking down the illusion — first within ourself and then with anyone who will grab our hand. It requires that we stop learning knowledge and start speaking our own wisdom. It requires that we stop blaming the shadow. If people stop projecting and blaming the shadow of those we label good or right, there won’t be suicide bombers, terrorists, or murderers. They’re the effect of false thinking, not the cause of it. That’s the cure for “Nice Person Syndrome.”
And here is the joke. The only way that we can actually be nice and good is to let go of our own “Nice Person Syndrome.” When we do, we start to work our way to wholeness, where we don’t cast a shadow on others. Our inner thinking matches our outer appearance. But it’s hard to take off the nice mask because the first thing we notice is the reason we created the mask in the first place. We see all the crap we needed to cover up.
Nice is Not Nice
I speak on this topic because as we work our way out of the illusion, we do become more genuinely nice — True Selves would never harm anyone. But you have to make sure you don’t get level confusion. You can’t let false selves blow smoke in your face. You have to call people with false beliefs on their game, or you’ll get pulled right back into the illusion by “Nice Person Syndrome.” To not discriminate and speak truthfully would be like inviting a robber into your home and handing over your stuff. Mostly, the more you get free, the more you notice how nice people project. You feel their shadow trying to take root in your mind. You see a nice person, and you want to run. But I want people to stop running. I want them to become like Jon and Bassem. This is why I write about and mentor people in the art of discrimination. Our false self is supposed to protect our True Self, not create enemies and invite them in for tea.
I learned this lesson the hard way. I married a nice, moral guy when I was twenty (started dating him at fifteen). He was a people pleaser extraordinaire; he was possessed by “Nice Person Syndrome.” I thought we were the same because we appeared to be a match on the outside. But I pretty much thought everyone was nice; it never occurred to me that people tried to be nice or would pretend to be nice. That was a silly story — Little Red Riding Hood — a fairy tale, I thought. Only wolves pretend to be nice because they’re naturally mean. People aren’t naturally mean. I didn’t really have a concept of people hiding their thoughts from others. What kind of thoughts would someone hide? I thought that what you saw was what you got. And my life worked that way most of the time. I usually saw and got the best from others.
Until I was at least 24, I didn’t realize that someone could say something different than they thought. I didn’t know what jealousy was until my twenties. I figured out envy in my thirties. I was in my late teens before I understood the word judgment or realized that someone could lie. I was five before I realized that people could get old; I saw only young adults (I did have old grandparents; they looked young to me). This is how I know (not believe) the difference between true and false. I know that I wasn’t born with the ability to lie, judge, hide beliefs, or be jealous. I was even shocked when someone dared to tell me that I’d get old. I didn’t even know loneliness until after I married.
The only strong emotions I felt growing up were fear and embarrassment; and I felt a lot of them. So I wasn’t a stranger to emotions. I knew that some thoughts generated fear or embarrassment, and I didn’t think I could fix those thoughts. They were always thoughts that came from outside of me — from authorities. So I felt helpless to stop them from getting into my mind. I had been introduced to the illusion. But I never hid my fears. I never pretended to be brave. And I couldn’t hide my embarrassment. It was always obvious to everyone. This seemed like a curse to be so naked emotionally. When I looked at others who didn’t have emotions, they looked so put together. So when I met my non-emotional husband, I presumed I could learn from him. I really believed that he had the answer as to how I could get back to my fearless Self.
This was the confusion. I married into a family of nice people. I learned about jealousy, envy, judgment, etc., by feeling those emotions when they talked to me. They would look completely nice on the outside, and I’d suddenly feel jealous when I had nothing to feel jealous of. Now I wanted to get rid of that jealousy. If I expressed what I felt, I looked bad or accusatory. But it wasn’t my jealousy so I didn’t want to hold on to it. What does one do with such emotions? I chose to ignore them. But they would reappear from time-to-time as if my mind was holding the emotions in limbo until it received some direction. As time went on, this got worse and worse. I was experiencing, but not understanding, the feminine role. I was seeing what happens when we’re someone’s reflection. Often, I’d be loving the other person; but I’d still feel their emotions coming at me. I started to believe that my love couldn’t keep me safe. What would keep me safe? I felt as if I had the emotions while they held the belief. This caused me to feel out of balance and confused. But why did my body accept these emotions? Why didn’t they feel their emotions? They obviously didn’t because they looked so nice and calm. I was like an alien in a foreign land.
We all experience this to a great or lesser extent as children. People who aren’t congruent and look nice, project their previously suppressed emotions on us. Religious people are particularly skilled at this. Clergy, of all sorts, project like professionals on their congregations. The program for projection is loaded into the minds of the congregation, and they fire away on those who are feminine to them without ever questioning if the bullets might harm others. If we react, they tell us we’re the problem. We deserved the bullet. If we suppress our emotion, we feel miserable. Now we also feel projection with angry people. They also project their emotions at us, but that’s another post. They’re wolves in wolves clothing. They’re congruent in that they are thinking false thoughts and feeling emotions. They err by trying to blame us for their emotions.
But the nice false masculine is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. As children, we’re usually tricked like Little Red Riding Hood. We see grandma; and we’re shocked when grandma is actually a wolf. (Now you understand the meaning of that fairy tale.) If the masculine role authority has a shadow, it shows up in the feminine role. Once we accept another’s shadow, we feel that we can’t let their projection go. We think we need them to take it back; and they never, ever will. They are now calm and superior to us emotional creatures. If you can cause another to be emotional, you have power over them. This has long been held as a Law of Power in the illusion.
After I said “I do,” I quickly realized that marrying meant losing my best friend, my own mind. It was in my quiet moments that I sat and cried wondering what I had done and if I’d ever have the courage to escape. I’d wonder if I’d ever be able to get back to my old mind. I wondered why I never felt this way before. I wondered why I ever believed that this man could get rid of my emotions. Shit he was creating them.
My childhood home looked like a pit of insanity. Everyone screamed and yelled all the time. I was paddled a lot. But looking back, I realize that my family had congruence. They didn’t hide their emotions. They were quick to explode and quick to forgive. So emotions didn’t linger if no one took the others personally. We learned not to. That didn’t eliminate the beliefs that caused the emotions, but it kept me from developing a mask.
My ex-husband knew the rules for looking good and nice. And he was outwardly nice and socially pleasing. But his inner world was a mess because he was taught to suppress his emotions at a very early age. He lacked congruence; in fact, his outer and inner were opposites. Today this is referred to as passive-aggressive behavior. It only occurs in the masculine role when people who are divided mentally identify with the part of them they like, the nice part; and they project the shadow (or aggression) on others. Then when they get the aggression back, they claim innocence. It makes their projection crazy. But in their defense, they’re so focused on being nice and looking good that they don’t realize they have the aggression underneath.
For a long time, I focused on my career where I had power; and often that power flowed over into the home. When I was myself, my husband didn’t project on me so I got periods of relief. Then he decided to work for me, and it seemed that the problem disappeared completely. Without knowing it, I permanently stepped into the masculine role. I somehow realized that the masculine role (or leader) sees his or her shadow reflected in others, and I was always cleaning the mirror. I saw those who were feminine to me as people to love and protect, not people to blame or harm. I remember one day being so happy as I put my children to bed. I had so many people to love — children, clients, employees, family. Eventually, I learned that the true masculine role gains its joy from loving. Life became very pleasant with my husband, and I felt my power returning. He thrived in the feminine role. My body felt great. I had so much energy. And life worked nearly all the time. I felt that failure was pretty much impossible. I wasn’t afraid to do anything I dreamed of — nothing looked risky. I naturally assumed that our problems were fixed. But they weren’t. Everything changed back when I left the business world. I was now in the feminine role as wife and mother. He was bringing home the bacon; and tradition dictated that he now wore the pants and played the masculine role. I suspect that I was now in a position to work out issues that I got from my mother and my husband’s mother — neither worked outside of the home. I felt like I had lost all my power; and I couldn’t see how to gain it back. His rules for life now flooded my mind. Even his religious rules were popping up in my thoughts all day, which was strange since I’d not had a religious upbringing.
I noticed how he spoke to our children, so I deflected the attention to me. I could see the children saw the same world that I did as a child. I wanted to protect them as much as I could. But it seemed impossible. I no longer wanted to be emotional, and so I was suppressing a lot. Each time I suppressed my emotions, I was accepting his belief that generated the emotions. I was falling deeper and deeper into the feminine. I was really losing myself. I could see it happening and yet I could not stop it. It was as if it was coming too fast and too hard. What I didn’t realize is that I’d somehow accepted his major psychological reversal. For the first time in my life when a thought felt bad, I thought that meant it was absolutely true. It would be a long time before I would actually realize that. And once we hold that thought in our mind, beliefs just pour in unfiltered. We have no discrimination anymore.
My husband was completely psychologically reversed. “Nice Person Syndrome” does that. In the extreme, they will smile while talking about war and cry tears of joy. I was starting to become that way too.
There was another fundamental difference between my husband’s perspective and mine. My husband felt he was being judged on his physical results. He didn’t think God could read minds. So if he kept his shadow hidden, he was good. I would have his beliefs pop into my mind, and I’d share that with him. He’d deny he had the belief. He would also focus on people’s weaknesses and then say uplifting things to them. I hated when he did that to me. I could feel that he needed me to stay stuck so he could keep lifting me up. I needed to be sad so he could feel nice when he made me happy. It was a sick game, not a kind way of being. But if you are loaded with beliefs as a child and you can’t let them go, you have to learn to ignore your mind. You’d go insane otherwise. And so the only way to feel good about yourself is to focus completely on actions and results.
I, on the other hand, judged myself by the quality of my mind; I assumed that my behavior would reflect what I held inside. I felt good only when I thought truthful thoughts about myself, others, or even the world. False thoughts, even if they were reality, felt bad. Once I accepted the tidal wave of my husband’s beliefs, I was overloaded with emotions. My mind was not fun to watch; I had no creativity. My body would shake for no reason. I had constant physical problems, and I had repeating nightmares. I would want to stay in bed for days. I couldn’t gather the energy to do anything. I felt I was becoming a terrible mother. But no one was any help; everyone said those things were normal. It was stress caused by work or parenting. I needed to change my diet. I needed to exercise more. All kinds of expert bullshit was tossed my way. So I went to healers, and I got worse. I could see that they were actually projecting their fears and problems on me and fixing themselves. I went to New Age teachers, and realized they were putting ice cream on manure. None of it felt good. None of it made any difference. Positive thinking wasn’t possible. I couldn’t possibly forgive or imagine anything good. I had even acquired the belief that I couldn’t fix my own problems. The beliefs in the illusion are designed to block every single exit ramp. Oddly, the people who felt the best to me were the ones that society labeled bad. At least they were congruent. At least they didn’t project on me.
No one had the fucking answer because no one could see the cause of emotions. People fixed effects. I refused to fix effects or to project this crap on to my children. When we focus on the quality of our mind, we aren’t denying our crap so we don’t project it on others. But I had a lot to let go, the emotions were backed up in me like a clogged septic system. I wasn’t afraid of dying; I was afraid of living like this for much longer. I had to find out what generated the emotions, and I did. It is everything I share on this blog and No Labels, No Lies. I guess I was paving the way because today many people say they feel exactly the way I did. I hope that I can save them time, pain, and suffering.
I began to spend hours and hours each day letting go. I could now see how I got stuck by observing memories with discrimination. I watched as my mind unraveled like a big ball of yarn. Here’s how “Nice Person Syndrome” looked now. When I was nice and let my husband have his way, he acted like we both won. He was happy, and I had made his happiness more important than my own. That’s what married people are supposed to do? Right? His way meant that I didn’t stretch his comfort zone; I didn’t ask him to stand up for me. I didn’t ask him to challenge any of his sacred beliefs. I didn’t expose what was behind his mask. When he had a false self victory, my True Self clearly lost and so did his. But if I won we gained a little freedom; however, his false self would stay after me until he wore me down. His false self was always in command. Losing did require less effort. Losing was more quiet in the home even if it was less peaceful in my mind. We never both won permanently. If he lost, I needed to lose too. He was training me like one trains a dog. If I let him have his way, and I didn’t get upset (which meant I stuffed my emotions), I got a bone. If I spoke up and didn’t let him have his way, I got spanked by the paper. Training works by making sure that the student (feminine role) never wins. It’s a universal law within the illusion. It has no power outside of the illusion. And I now realized that the reason most people are suffering from “Nice Person Syndrome” is that they were trained to be dogs, not Gods.
If I pointed out that he was actually harming me or our children with his beliefs, he poured on the victim and sad eyes. I hurt his feelings. In truth, I caused him to feel his own emotions. I didn’t accept his beliefs. When we deny someone’s belief, the person can’t project. They have to suffer the consequences of their own false thinking. They won’t like that. But it’s what people need to realize that their mind is a mess. “Nice Person Syndrome” is a serious disease. It requires rehab.
Don’t be fooled by my dog analogy; few realize that dogs are not unconditionally loving. They’re blindly obedient. Likewise, most people are not loving — their blindly obedient. We don’t like real dogs, also known as wolves that are not wearing sheep’s clothing. We like the watered down version of dog. If you want love from someone, the answer is to unconditionally love them, not make them into your dog. False God masculine leaders are animal trainers in disguise; and it’s expressed in the English word DOG, which is God spelled backwards. The false God produces dogs (an obedient reflection that loves the asshole that feeds him). I was a dog. But at least I knew I was a dog. Once I recognized that, I began getting my inner wolf back; but no one likes wolves — at least not up close and personal. Wolves attack back when you attack them. They don’t roll over and lick your face when you tie them up on a short leash.
When someone has us in dog mode (or what I nicely refer to as the feminine role), we hate their guts. Nothing makes us want freedom more than living life on a short leash. And that hatred keeps us stuck. We’re so flooded with emotions that it’s hard to find the love we are inside. We can’t find the truth, and we sure as hell have no sense of humor. But if we learn to to follow our emotions inside so we can let go of beliefs, we find the way out. It isn’t a quick fix, but it’s a permanent fix. I know it’s hard for people to trust what I say. I only know this is the truth because I watched my mind deteriorate as I accepted beliefs from mostly nice people; and I watched as my mind regained it’s clarity, creativity, and truth as I let go of those beliefs. But even with that knowing, I sometimes hit walls myself; and those walls are always covered with nice wallpaper!
I didn’t want to be a dog, and I wanted my husband to be free too. I could see something that he couldn’t. When we did what he wanted, we ended up in lose-lose. He thought he won, but when a false self wins, everyone loses. This is so important. I completely understood that my husband’s beliefs were just brainwashing from his religion and culture. I realized he deserved so much more. Everyone deserves to have a mind like I once had. But how do you explain freedom to someone who has never known it? It’s like explaining snow to someone raised in Africa. He was a bigger loser than I was, but he didn’t know he was losing. In fact, he thought he was winning. In some ways, it almost seemed like he was better off. He wasn’t hungry for freedom.
I realized why I’d never been able to explain myself to him. He only saw the illusion. When we look at the illusion from the outside, we see freedom and the illusion as choices — chicken or fish. We see what’s true and what’s false. But if we have no concept of freedom, then we’re only looking to be good (not evil) or win (not lose). I hated his world, but I didn’t hate him. How could I? I had compassion now that I saw how horrible it was to live with an illusion mentality.
But I wasn’t a dog; and I was never going to be a good dog. I’d never be trainable. My name even starts with CAT. He knew what he was getting into. And I think that part of him wanted what I had. He just didn’t think he’d have to let go of all of his beliefs to get it. He didn’t think he’d have to speak truthfully to his own dog trainers. He didn’t think he’d have to face the fact that his religion was a lie or that his culture wasn’t the best culture. No one does. Most dogs are just trying not to be wolves. They don’t realize that if you keep letting go, the inner wolf disappears and the inner God (True Self) returns.
My husband was training me to be obedient and good the same way he was trained. We all follow the Fool’s Golden Rule: We do to others what was done to us. He’d already submitted to the illusion; he was asking me and our children to do things that he believed kept one alive and safe within the illusion.
True safety requires returning to your True Self. Bassem is surely learning that real safety requires being your SELF. When you act from your True Self, the false ones lose their power. And that’s why the powers that be don’t want Bassem on the air. To those in the illusion, the True Self is the enemy that they are trying to avoid. It’s the voice that exposes the false self. If they only knew that it’s not the enemy; it’s their only possibility of unconditional love. It’s their only exit to freedom.
Truth Will Set Us Free
In the illusion, the truth failed me. Earlier in life, if I ran into a business problem, I told myself the truth. I got real — painfully real. Cathy, you are being greedy right now. Stop it. Immediately, the thought that I needed to cut corners to make money would disappear. Or if I was wanting someone to buy my products and not someone else’s, I’d tell myself the truth. Cathy, you are being competitive. Let that go. And every time, the truth took me back to freedom. If I feared not succeeding, I spoke my belief that I didn’t know for sure that I wouldn’t succeed. I could then see that my mind wasn’t always being truthful. I could almost always see an exit door when I was stuck. I didn’t put ice cream on manure; I simply told my mind to let go of what was false. I didn’t really know what I was doing; I did it naturally. We’re designed to self correct our minds. We aren’t designed to psychologically reverse them. I knew what to let go from my True Self perspective because the false thought always generated emotion. It was just obvious. But when we psychologically reverse our mind to follow good or right instead of true and false, we can’t see the exits anymore.
When I told the truth to my husband, it came off as criticism. For him, the truth hurt. And this is the difference between one who wants to exit the illusion and one who has “Nice Person Syndrome.” But “Nice Person Syndrome” had developed some roots in my mind; it was hard to be honest with my husband. I was feeling the strong pull to accept things as they were and just be nice. It was like I was being pulled into a death chamber. I felt that if I went inside, I’d never find the exit. I was starting to agree that we just needed to be nice and kind and everything would be okay. I’d be happy if I was simply willing to be wrong.
So I decided to stop telling my husband the truth. That was spewing pearls before swine as said by a famous wise initiate. It just made things worse. Instead, I just kept telling myself the truth. I accepted the thoughts that were true, which were few and far between. I let go of the thoughts that were false. I decided that the false thoughts were the ones that were not healing for my body or freeing for my mind. The goal was so very important. You see my goal was bigger than the illusion so it created an exit. My huge goal caused the places that I had become psychologically reversed to come to the surface. I just had to go back to watching my mind, be willing to feel an enormous amount of emotions, and keep telling myself, “That thought isn’t true. Let it go.”
My husband’s desires were in my mind, and they didn’t just disappear. They constantly reminded me that I should be nice. I should obey him and his family. I should look good and do kind things. I should be a good loser. I should listen and take the advice of others so they’d feel good. I should respect authority and experts. The road to hell is paved with shoulds. I had thousands of things I had to do to look and be good. I had endless reasons I should do them. It was like I was seeing recordings of his mind in my mind. The false mind is like a tape recorder. When a belief is triggered, the tape plays. But I didn’t allow myself to get overwhelmed with the volume. I just attempted to eradicate some false mind each day. And over time, I saw progress.
I share this story because I feel so incredibly grateful that this occurred for me as an adult. For most, like my ex-husband, this occurs when they’re children; they don’t have the memories of being themselves that I had. I was eventually able to realize that his voice was a false God voice in my head because I remembered my true voice. I knew that voice wasn’t even who he really was. His dog trainers had “Nice Person Syndrome.” They gave it to him. Young children accept training from nice people like they take candy from a rapist. We’re born innocent and whole. We’re tricked by well-meaning tricksters.
I didn’t always have the courage to speak up like I do now. I struggled for a long time. Letting go was so hard. I kept hoping that I was wrong, and I could one day accept the nice mask and fit in. I didn’t know if I could actually leave my comfortable dog house. I was still married; and I’d take one step forward and 9/10th of a step back. I still wasn’t at the point where I could see how I’d live outside of his illusion, even though I’d been very successful in business earlier in life. I couldn’t see any value in myself anymore because nothing I ever said or did had value to all those nice people. They still haunt me at times. I still recognize when I’m tramping on nice toes. It’s just more to let go.
My point of no return came on a weekend trip to New York City. I was staying at a hotel in Newark, NJ. I went to get my haircut, visit Alex Grey’s Chapel of Sacred Mirrors, and to see a play in Manhattan. It was a very fun day. When I got out of the play, a big storm was brewing. The winds were howling at 60 miles an hour, and so I ran straight to the train station. But the trains were all stopped because of debris falling on the track. It was predicted that no one would be leaving Pennsylvania Station before the next day. I walked around and watched the entertainment, dropping coins in jars. I really started to enjoy myself. These people weren’t famous, but they were having fun performing and watching us laugh and applaud. I didn’t really need to get back. I remembered how I’d always found joy in any situation; and I suddenly realized how much I wanted that back.
Then they called my train. Only one train made it out that night — mine. By the time I got off in Newark, the rain was coming down in sheets. The wind was still howling. My umbrella kept turning upside down. I was drenched. I had a three-block walk to my car. And suddenly, I told myself the truth. I’m happier in this horrible weather — drenched down to my underwear, freezing cold, and not able to even see where I’m going — than I am at home in an illusion of beliefs that I can’t stand. I realized I wasn’t bad for not being able to tolerate falseness. It was as if I had never been able to really admit that truth before. It’s strange how clear it became in that moment. I could leave behind my comfortable dog house because freedom was so much more important to me. I grasped a hold of a sliver of truth because I remembered that the True Self can find joy in any situation, while the false self searches for joy and never finds it.
It was then that I found another huge belief. My husband’s family was Catholic; they believed one’s life purpose was to smile while you suffered …”Nice Person Syndrome.” But I realized I never suffered before marriage even when things were really hard. If I just relaxed, my True Self joy would flood my mind; and the suffering would disappear. I couldn’t keep suffering around for very long. It was fleeting and fragile. Because of this, I could never please my husband or his family. I needed their ridiculous false beliefs in order to do so. And that’s why they believed that I was arrogant, lucky, and even a cheater at life. That’s why they were jealous, angry, and judgmental of me. I made life look too easy for them. I looked lazy because I didn’t need to work hard to get things done. I realized they took one hell of a bite out of that apple.
While in the illusion, we attract others who like to play win-lose. Understanding win-win doesn’t necessarily get the players to stop playing. As we let go, we have less magnetism. We don’t end up in as many win-lose situations. But the exit is hard and requires that we don’t look back. We have to rediscover win-win. Nice behavior or beliefs aren’t win-win; in fact they’re always lose-lose. We have to continue to remind ourselves that win-win harms no one. True win-win is the absence of beliefs. In other words, when we’re truly nice we don’t have to think about it. We don’t feel any emotion. We don’t see an opponent who is not nice. It’s all about being who we are at the core — our True Self.
When I got this right, I had enormous compassion and even unconditional love. I won. When I didn’t, I had the motivation to get myself back out of the trap I’d fallen into. Progress was slow; but there was progress. I didn’t need to change my husband anymore because I was no longer allowing him to change me. But I now had to realized that his losing was actually a win for him. I felt bad when he lost; I still cared. I wanted him to be happy, but I was no longer willing to give him false temporary happiness so I could look good in his eyes. Only when people lose in the illusion do they develop the desire to let go. “Nice Person Syndrome” is sadly, a wall that keeps people stuck forever.
As I look back, I’m glad he taught me that lesson. I even wonder if he volunteered to play that stupid role for me so I could learn. I suspect our True Self does such things for those they love. When we believe our roles, we forget how much we all love each other. The one thing that I gained from him that I could not gain from anything but experience is the knowing that I could set myself free from anything. I also learned that if we’re trying to be nice, we’ve simply got a bad case of “Nice Person Syndrome.”
I suspect that every nice person wonders why they had no courage on that last breath. Why didn’t they take a chance? Why didn’t they stand up for their friends and family? Why didn’t they do the career they wanted to do? Why didn’t they demand to be treated properly? Why did they focus so much on what others thought of them? It’s too late. “Nice Person Syndrome” saps our life force until we have none left.
I will never, ever start a win-lose game, and I’ll do everything possible to not even play them. I have no desire to win in the illusion. But if someone starts playing win-lose with me and won’t back off, I’m going for the win. Because true win-win is when false selves lose. And that’s why we need more people like Jon and Bassem. They aren’t being nice, they’re simply truthful. They piss off the false selves of others. But they aren’t creating enemies; they’re exposing the wolves in sheep’s clothing so that people can escape from their prisons. They’re exposing what is false so that we can all one day live in what is true. Shit, I suspect they’re often afraid. But they somehow let the fear go so they can say what needs to be said. They find the courage within.
It’s painful to live in another’s illusion, and yet most people do. I honestly don’t know how they can. I don’t know how they continue to honor the status quo.
The world is designed around true and false; true and false contain no judgment. True and false stem from what was called first-cause thinking before judgment was invented. It’s obviously truthful to speak true; but it’s also truthful to expose the false. The truth really does set us free. Likewise, we can laugh at the false and harm no one. We can unconditionally love false like we love cartoon characters; they’re just entertainment. The biggest joke is that we call Jon and Bassem comedians; when the comedians are actually those they speak of. One day, I hope Jon and Bassem are out of a job. And I suspect they would be very happy to no longer have someone to joke about.
The ultimate win-win is a world where everyone is free to be themselves. But the false masculine believes that if we aren’t controlled like dogs, we’ll be bad and immoral; THEY’RE SO WRONG. True selves harm no one. I’ve recently heard of people who are in love with wolves; and the wolves return the love without losing their wildness.
We might have to wait awhile for our loved ones to catch on. Thankfully, Jon, Bassem, and the other truthful comedians today will keep us entertained while we wait.
“Right now there are bombings, murders, and terror in Cairo. Do you think this is the right time to put that kind of show on the air?” asks the host. Jon responds, “I think I’d flip the question and say, ‘Is this the right time for murders and bombings and killings?’ You know. What is a show? It’s a show. I think hopefully, it establishes the parameters of what’s insane and what’s not. People always say about comedy, ‘Where do you draw the line?’ The idea that Bassem is somehow pushing a line or stepping over a boundary that should be sacred or sacrosanct, is kind of amazing when you think about what the government is doing. Shouldn’t the question be to them, ‘Where do you guys draw the line?’ Not to Bassem.” That’s a question that we must all ask. And when we can truly answer it, we start to see the exits to freedom for ourselves and others. Eventually, I realized that I wanted the line drawn right outside of my True Self. I wanted just enough false self to create in the world in win-win ways. The rest had to go. Slowly my old mind, my very best friend, was coming back. It’s wonderful; and it reminds me to speak the truth in as many ways as I can think of because everyone deserves to have such a best friend.