The End of the Victimhood Advantage

By Cathy • September 5th, 2012
The butterfly cocoon is the womb of transformation

When we feel stuck in victimhood, it is time to go inside, into our cocoons, so that we can melt and be reborn as a beautiful butterfly

By Cathy Eck


Victimhood and Poor Me

Nearly every day someone says to me, I’m sick of listening to victims whine.  Aren’t we all?  The idea of taking responsibility for our lives has finally come of age, and those who pretend that they are always innocent victims just rub us the wrong way.  If we turn away from them, we often feel guilty.  And sometimes we should not turn away because the victim is crying for help.  We just don’t know what to do around the subject of victimhood.  Let me see if I can clear up this confusion.

The book, “The Celestine Prophecy” called victimhood the “Poor Me” control drama.  It said that victims like to make us feel guilty and responsible for them.  This represents the victimhood that we want to eliminate.  This type of victimhood has become a serious power game; and sadly, it is game that works because it plays on people’s guilt.  But like any game, once exposed, it loses power.  So let’s get to work and expose this game.


How Did We Get In This Mess?

I’ll keep this short because I go into more detail on many other blog posts.  The very notion of victimhood comes from a collective belief in a false dual world where there are victims and perpetrators, victims and heroes, good and evil, etc.  It is the land of story, comic book style; but sadly, it also bled into our reality.  That world is merely an illusion held together by beliefs.  We can let go of the beliefs so that the illusion loses its power.  This false view of the world is not the truth; but for most of us, it is reality.

If we hold that illusory view of life in our mind, then we are asking for victimhood experiences.  It is part of the perspective.  Expecting a different  experience is sort of like jumping off the roof of your house and expecting it not to hurt when you hit the ground because you are the exception to gravity.  We come into the world innocent.  But we are born to parents and taught by teachers and clergy who are already firmly rooted in the illusory point of view.

The false view of the world is a house of mirrors that was created when the patriarchal perspective became the right perspective.  Male became right; female wrong.

Everyone plays games in the illusion:  win and lose, good and evil, dominance and subordination, or right and wrong.  Outside of the illusory perspective, feminine and masculine roles have equal power.  But in the patriarchal divided world, the male or authority roles strive to win, be right, be good, and dominate; and the female or subordinate roles, who believe they lack power, tend to lose, be labeled evil or wrong, and submit.

When we are playing a feminine role, such as student, wife, disciple, employee, or child, and we get walked on or chewed up, we have experienced victimhood in that moment.  In truth, we are still a victim of our own thinking.  Remember we could not be there if we didn’t accept the collective illusory perspective as real.  Our power lies in our ability to claim our own authority, and stand above the good and evil, victim and perpetrator  and other reindeer games; and that requires letting go of our own beliefs that keep us stuck in our authority figure’s distorted world.  For more on letting go of beliefs, click here.


Legitimate Victimhood VS. Victim Advantage

If a child is beaten by a parent, that is a bullying; and the child could reasonably be called a victim.  The child is a legitimate victim because the child is generally perceived to have no authority in the parent’s world.  They can’t just leave their home or fight back.  Their choices seem very limited.

An authority figure, however, cannot be a legitimate victim.  This is where all the confusion occurs.  The authority fulfills the masculine role.  In the illusory view of the world, the masculine role has all the power.  When someone who is in the power position says they are bullied by the subordinate, they are playing the victimhood advantage.  And they know exactly what they are doing.  Usually they are highly insecure and very controlling.  They want everyone to do as they say, not as they do.  Sometimes they get a payoff, such as attention or money, from being cast into the victim role.

Those who use the victimhood advantage are often angry and bitter but hide it well with a kind social mask.  Their subordinates detect this; and some (often the most sensitive) just can’t help bullying them.  The authority is pretending to be powerful, but they are also wearing an invisible sign that says, “Bully Me.  I’m a professional victim.”

Now the sad part is that the bully becomes a victim of those who play victimhood advantage.  They got pulled into that role by the authority.  Often if you ask them why they did it, they say:  “I don’t know.  I couldn’t help myself.”  They aren’t psychologically deranged, they got stuck playing the feminine shadow of the authority.  The authority’s mind, even if it is unconscious, is always the director of the play.


People Don’t Mind Obeying a Loving Authority

This is what people do not see, and it is crucial.  Subordinates do not stand up to a loving authority; why would they?  A loving authority offers win-win opportunities.  You support a truly loving authority because it is in your best interest to do so.  Subordinates only attack authorities who are not worthy of the position they hold.  Authorities come at all levels — parents, teachers, government leaders, policemen, bosses, gurus, and clergy are all authorities to others.  If the authority gets bullied, they probably have no damn business in that job.  They deserve to be fired, not rewarded or compensated.

Recently there was YouTube video of a woman on a school bus.  She was bullied by the kids.  People took her side because that was what we have been trained to do.  But she was in the position of authority.  It is clear in the video that she was not capable of handling that position.  She was wrong for the job.  People felt so sorry for her that they sent her hundreds of thousands of dollars.  But, she didn’t deserve the compensation.  She did not command authority, and she had a position of authority that required her to do so.  She was not a legitimate victim.  Her job was to keep order on that bus, and she didn’t do it.  Incompetent doesn’t mean she was bad.  She was probably trained to be a nice person and not stand up for herself as a child.  Her programming simply made her wrong for the job.  It also put the children in danger.


The Whining Victim

I remember the first time I felt anxiety around victims.  I was a young adult visiting my mother-in-law.  My mother-in-law really milked the victim advantage.  She’d talk for hours about her illnesses and how bad people were to her, and her family made her the center of attention.  She was the matriarch of the family, the authority.  I would simply pull out a book and start reading; she had plenty of others listening to her every word.

One day my husband said to me, “Who do you think you are?  You are so rude to my mother.”  I set him straight very quickly.  “I’m rude, huh.  Which is more rude?  To whine for two hours about your problems and expect people to listen to you or to simply pull out a book and mind your own damn business.  How is she ever going to change her life if you guys all feed her victim perspective by rewarding her for it?”  To my husband, she was the victim of my rudeness.  In truth, she was bullying everyone in the room as she claimed her victimhood advantage.

Where did we get this social veneer that says it is polite to sit and listen for hours to people whine?  The truth is that our thoughts matter, and whining just perpetuates our problems.  In fact, psychology is now proving that we spread memes like germs when we share our victimhood stories with conviction.  Other people start to get our problems.  A truly win-win solution is to stop the conversation before it gets too far down the toilet.

But having been in that situation many times, I did feel rude when I would say to a whiner, “Could we talk about something else?”  People feel guilty for not wanting to listen to the victims.  That is why my husband and his siblings were listening to his mother.  They felt guilty if they ignored her.  The potential guilt for not listening was simply greater than the pain of listening.  Since I didn’t have guilt, I could see the big picture.  I had no reason to listen.


Victims Don’t Need Our Enabling

When my husband and I married, he started getting sick all the time.  I was the caretaker for a while, but then I noticed that he loved the attention.  So I started leaving him home alone to heal.  Sickness was how he got attention from his mother, and I had to send a clear message that it didn’t work with me.  In a very short time, he stopped getting sick.  All of his problems vanished like magic because sickness had no payoff anymore.

The victim advantage card worked with his mother, but I didn’t have to allow him to play it with me.  Some may see that as cruel.  But let’s look closely.  Is it more cruel to allow him to spend his life sick and my life taking care of his sickness; or is it more cruel to be honest, give him appropriate treatment for his condition, and expect him to return to health.  He later agreed with my actions because he found that he liked being healthy.  He was simply a victim of his mother’s bad programming.

Let’s look at another example of a different sort where my dad played the false victim advantage card.  He was telling me how he hated Jane Fonda for being mean to the troops.  I said to him, “Excuse me dad.  Military are trained killers.  The fact that they are upset because an unarmed woman was mean to them means they are living a lie.  If they shake in their boots around Jane Fonda, then they sure as hell aren’t protecting you and I.”  He got my point and wondered why he could not see this.  We can’t see clearly around victimhood because our social programming is so heavy.

You can only untangle the problem by determining who is the authority.  Military people are clearly trained to obey authority.  They have no real power or authority, and that was what Jane was showing them.  If their power came from their heart and was real, she would not have been able to upset them.  And I suspect there were some soldiers who knew their power, and they were not the ones that cried victimhood advantage.

We have to look at each situation with clarity and an attitude of win-win.  Once again, the key is always to determine who is in the position or role of authority, who is in power, and recognize that the one in power can only perpetrate even if they look like a victim.  They are always the cause and sometimes you have to pull away the curtain of illusion to see that.

Knowing real versus fake victimhood helps us know where to stand in a situation and where to back off.  Most of us have been trained to support the victimhood advantage.  When we undo our mental programming, we know who to help and who is simply crying wolf.  We see the false prophets with ease.


The Masculine/Feminine Secret

The masculine/feminine secret that I’ve shared with you is ancient.  The victimhood advantage allows uthority figures to take all the power but not any of the blame.  We learned to blame the feminine through the perpetuation of stories like Adam and Eve.  We started to feel sorry for the Adams of the world.  If Adam had a pair, he would have done whatever he damn well pleased.  He couldn’t accept responsibility for his actions when questioned; he just blamed Eve.  But no one challenges the common meaning of the story because we are programmed to hear it in the way that authority figures benefit.  With great power does come great responsibility.  That is not just true in comic books.  When men (or people in the masculine role) accept power, they give up the right to blame anyone else.  And we should just ignore them when they do.

Western religions have been hijacked by the victimhood advantage.  So much bulling is done in the name of Jesus, Moses, or Mohammed.  The literalists in most religions often use their interpretation of the Bible to bully others who don’t think like them.  They are the wolfs in sheep’s clothing that Jesus warned us of.  A truly religious person’s job is to work on their own mind, not convince everyone else to think like them.  The need to recruit followers is manipulation disguised as caring.  No religion has the right to define family for anyone except themselves.  They don’t have the right to tell anyone except themselves how to live their life.

The skinny child is not superior to the chubby one, even if the all-powerful authority of Hollywood deems it so.  The short man is not inferior to the tall one unless they are playing professional basketball.  I could go on and on.  These are false labels of superior-inferior, another rendition of the good and evil game.  When we stop believing them, they will lose all their power.  Beliefs needs attention and fuel to stay alive.  Realizing they are lies is the quickest way to dissolve them.


You Don’t Get to Keep Your Cards

After You’ve Played Them

If someone is in a feminine role, and they feel stuck in a place of real victimhood, no one runs to their side faster than I do.  In fact, all of my techniques of letting go are for the people in feminine roles.  I’m not popular with power-hungry authority figures.  But the one thing a victim cannot do is tell me their story over and over again.  I let them tell it one time, very slowly, and they have to let go of every line in that story that doesn’t feel good.  And when they are done, the story bores them too.  They find their natural discrimination, and the old story now looks like a bad dream.

Once a victim is free, they must forgive and forget.  Forgiving means to get rid of the beliefs in their mind that got them into that situation in the first place.  Forgiveness is easy if we take our share of the responsibility.  You know you are playing the victim advantage if years or even generations later, you still want sympathy or special treatment.  Victimhood can be a powerful addiction.

In fact, when someone tells the same story over and over and refusing help, they are playing victim advantage.  A legitimate victim wants help.  They tell their story until someone helps them.  They tell their story to get answers.  But when they get free, they move on to greener pastures.  They don’t use the story for attention or rewards; they only use it if it can help another (and they are not emotional about the situation when they use it in that way).


The Deadly Payoff

Years ago, I was practicing as a hypnotherapist.  A friend asked me to do some sessions with a few of her Multiple Sclerosis patients.  I agreed.  I regressed each person back to the moment of diagnosis and gently suggested that they had a choice to accept the diagnosis, or they could deny it and stand up for their own health.  In case after case, they chose to keep the diagnosis.  I asked each one why they made that choice because I was curious.  Each was receiving a payoff of some sort that they didn’t want to lose.  They knew that denying that diagnosis would start the healing process in their bodies; and they saw healing as losing.  This is what often keeps people stuck in problems.  Often healing begins the minute we let go of the payoff because the payoff acts as a victimhood advantage.  The illness raises this person who was powerless in the relationship into the position of power.

As long as we continue to reward another’s victimhood advantage through enabling them, we don’t push people to do their inner work.  We don’t support them in getting well or standing up for themselves or just being someone who we’d enjoy talking to.


Kids and Bullying

Let me also say a quick word on kids and bullying.  Kids are not born bullies, and kids are always in the feminine role.  They learn to bully  by watching their parents and the false authorities in the schools and government who pretend that an authority figure can be a victim.  They notice it works and they clone the behavior.  They hear their parent’s acting out of false superiority based on race, religion, or culture; and they parrot their words.  Usually they have picked up the mentality that if everyone was like them, the world would be a better place.  They think it is legitimate to punish someone who is different.  We must remember that they had to learn to think that way.

If we are in a position to resolve a bullying situation, we must find out where the child in the bully role learned their supremacy thinking; and then we can fix the cause, which is always an adult authority figure in their life.  Children only reflect a bigger bully; they are never the cause.  It does no good to punish the effect.  They do unto others what is being done to them.  It is that simple.  When we start calling unloving, incompetent authority bullies instead of a victims, the kids will stop mirroring their wrong thinking.  We won’t need to fix the kids.  The problem will be gone.


True Leadership

The true leader sees his or her reflection in the feminine people who are in his care.   If he or she sees evil or bad, the true leader or authority doesn’t break the mirror.  They fix themselves.

The false leader or authority’s goal is to fix the mirror.  He or she refuses to look at themselves. Fixing one’s reflection doesn’t fix anything.

Sadly, the one in the feminine role often thinks they need the fixing.  They try and try to change, and nothing changes.  The person in the feminine role is the effect, not the cause.  The one in the feminine role under a false authority must recognize when they are the reflection.  Sometimes they can take back their power and end the game.  If they can’t take their power back and the authority is unwilling to fix their point of view, then leaving is the only answer.  That means that some parents have to take their kids out of the schools and find another responsible solution to their child’s education.  It means that some wives (or husbands if the husband plays the feminine role) must leave their marriages.


Supporting Legitimate Victims

We can support legitimate victims best by encouraging them to take back their power or remove them from the feminine role.  We can remind them that their payoff is nothing compared to the real prize of freedom and living their best life.  We must never feel guilty for supporting others in this way.  We must never feel that we need to enable their baggage.  If a victim wants our help, they need to accept what we give.  They have no right to bully us into giving them attention or sympathy.

Everything that I do, everything that I write is for those who are unhappy being feminine mirrors for false authority.  Our true power begins the moment we realize that we can’t be a victim if we don’t play their game.  When we all stop playing the good and evil game (or any of its clones), there will be no more victimhood.  That is the world I want to live in.  And to get there, some people will have to give up their victim advantage.  Others might have to be a little uncomfortable when they tell someone the truth that they need to hear or walk away.  Charlie Sheen was recently asked what he learned in anger management class after weeks and weeks of attendance.  He said he learned to walk away.  That was it.  It is a good answer.

There are times when we all fall into victimhood especially as children because we are born innocent.  Good and evil doesn’t make sense to a child because it is an illusion.  Victimhood can become a story that bores our friends and family or it can be a reason to turn inward, a reason to go into our cocoon and dissolve our past, find our true self, and be reborn as a beautiful butterfly.

Butterfly emerged from cacoon

If we go inside and really look at why we are stuck in victimhood, we often find that the experience is exactly what we needed.  The caterpillar doesn’t feel victimized when it goes inward, and that is what allows it to be transformed into a beautiful butterfly.

The victim advantage is not really an advantage.  It is a small reward for playing a stupid game, a game that really needs to end because the victim advantage is lose-lose for everyone.  It causes the win-lose and good-evil way of perceiving the world to continue.  There is no room for paradise in the illusion.  But more important, the victim advantage causes those who use it to lose out on the permanent and lasting rewards of living an authentic life, making their dreams come true, and contributing to a better world.


I only work with people who are willing to let go of anything and everything, who refuse to be victims.  Those people are few in number, but they are the ones who are going to change the world.  If you are ready to take your power back in any situation and  step out of the illusion, don’t be afraid to ask for support.  You can write to me on the contact page.


photo credit: Stuck in Customs via photo pin cc

photo credit: MrClean1982 via photo pin cc


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