By Cathy Eck
This post is very pertinent to Valentine’s Day. It offers insight as to how things start to look as you move toward your True Self. We all don’t see the world the same way from the True Self perspective, but it doesn’t matter. We harmonize! False selves, however, collide.
A lot of things that most people treat as real are exposed as highly flawed and limiting on holidays like Valentine’s Day. One of those things is romance or chemistry. It fades because it’s false. If you don’t give it attention, it slowly disappears. And that’s how it should be. If we no longer support a belief, it gently falls away. We should have to work on ourselves so damn hard.
The problem is that we waste a lot of energy supporting belief systems or fighting others to make ours the truth. So we keep thoughts alive that we don’t really need or want.
Romance and chemistry are false love conditions that most people treat like they treat religion. They pretend that something false is true — and they’re never satisfied. Valentine’s Day is the epitome of win-lose. Some people will be ecstatically happy and others will be depressed. Definitely not win-win.
As we look at the world from the True Self’s point of view, it can feel like there’s no place for us if we don’t buy into the illusion. And if one person in the relationship is stuck in the false world and the other has this bird’s eye view, it becomes really hard to communicate. It’s like you’re pulling in opposing directions.
This is a poem that I wrote for my now ex-husband in 2001, thirteen years ago. I reached a point where I could no longer act like I enjoyed the things that most people typically associate with Valentine’s Day. I was sick of all the different variations of false love — romance, gifts, care taking, codependence, possession, being half a person, tolerance, compromise, and in sickness and health, in rich and poor till death do us part. I really felt that marriage was a vow created for the wrong reasons and it kept people suffering in the illusion. It wasn’t a commitment to love — at least not real love. But it should be.
I wanted unconditional love. I wanted to be with someone who supported me in being me; and more than anything, I wanted him to take a risk now and then and just be himself. I wanted him to stop trying to fix me and stop blaming me when I was simply his projection.
In the illusion, he did everything right. His view of life was a perfect match to the collective. Others always approved of him, but fitting in meant he deprived himself of True Love. You can’t feel unconditional love if you’re always a perfect false self. You’re loneliness is hidden behind the mask. The mask keeps out unconditional love and truth. You think others aren’t giving it to you; the truth is you’re blocking the receipt of it.
He was a nice good-looking guy with charisma and charm. He was what most women dream about. But charm isn’t real — it’s seduction. He fit in to the collective belief system and could win at it. He was a bigger than normal cog in the illusory wheel because of his personality.
I didn’t find anything I wanted in his illusion anymore. And if he wasn’t going to come with me, I knew our relationship would end. But I thought that I’d give it one last try by just being honest. I didn’t know how to impact him by letting go yet, so I figured I’d just speak my truth. He did like the poem. He said, “You’re a good writer.” He liked my choice of words but the message fell on deaf ears. He was a prisoner of the illusion — suffering with a smile.
Our time together wasn’t a waste. I learned how to let go so I could escape from the feminine role that I played in his world. And because of that, I have a different kind of love that I can give. I no longer feel I need another to make me happy. That’s a rare kind of freedom.
In 2001, I sounded ridiculous. But I think more and more people, especially women, are feeling like I did when I wrote this poem. So I decided it’s time to share it. If it rings true, you’re more than willing to print it out and send it to the love in your life. I’ve learned that being truthful is the only way to live. If people are truly meant to be part of our life, they stay. If not, you were hanging on to something that wasn’t yours anyway.
I don’t expect you to give me flowers.
I expect you to see the hidden rose within your heart.
I don’t want you to give me a dozen roses.
I want you to decide to be your Self a dozen times each day.
I want you to feel the eternal joy and satisfaction that comes from blossoming in truth.
I don’t want to watch you become a cut flower destined to age, wither and die day-by-day—
Only beautiful for a moment—
Only offering a temporal joy.
No, I don’t expect you to give me flowers.
I expect you to continuously flower and bloom with vibrancy and life.
I don’t expect you to give me chocolates.
I want you to uncover the sweetness that you have long ago buried deep inside.
I want you to taste the nectar of living a life that you love.
I want you to smell the whole box of candy.
Then, let me see the smile on your face as you savor the aroma of your heart’s desire.
I want you to choose the perfect morsel from the box—
The one that has your name on it.
Then, I’ll watch with delight as you experience the deliciousness of expressing yourself in the world.
No, I don’t expect you to give me chocolates.
If you do, I won’t eat the whole box just to please you.
I want to choose my own chocolate and savor its pure deliciousness.
Only then, when we’re both filled and satiated,
Will we truly experience the delicacy of pure honey-coated bliss.
I don’t expect you to give me perfume.
I want you to inhale the pure essence of life.
I want you to hate the foul smelling odors of ordinariness so desperately
that you search long and hard for one whiff of individuality.
I want you to reject the odors that others accept as normal,
and tirelessly search for the perfect ambrosia.
I want you to watch the foul and rancid odors of unlived moments of the past
dissolve into the septic system of lost dreams.
I expect you to enjoy the fragrance of living a life that you love all around you.
No, I don’t want you to give me perfume, because I’m too busy creating my own.
But I do hope that you will search until you find your pure fragrance.
When you do, I know it will blend with mine and uniquely create what has never been.
I’m not interested in receiving sexy lingerie.
Its unnatural, synthetic feeling only itches my skin.
It reminds me that I’m not living the soft, natural life that was my real desire.
In trying to look good for you, I forget to look good for me.
Then we both lose.
I don’t want you to clothe me the way you want me to be.
I want you to cloth yourself in truth and self love.
Then look at me, and you won’t see a polyester reflection anymore.
You’ll see a reflection of the truth that is as warm as a wool coat,
as soft as a cotton gown, and as smooth as a silk sheet.
No, I’m not interested in sexy lingerie.
It’s only a cheap version of the phoniness that covers pure, naked truth.
I’m only interested in being wrapped in the wholeness of unconditional love.
Only then will we see that we do have matching attire.
I don’t need a card with a big heart on it.
I want a connection with a heart that has been stripped of its paper envelope and plastic wrapping.
I want a heart that throbs with passion for creating heaven on earth.
I want a heart that won’t accept anything less than pure love and divine truth.
I want a heart that is not afraid to hurt someone or to say NO in order to maintain its purity.
I want a heart that is willing to quiet the illusions of the past and unafraid of the silence of truth.
I want a heart that has the courage to go into unknown territory in order to come out with the gold of eternity.
So, don’t waste your money on a big paper heart, I only want the real thing.
I know it comes with a big price–
The price of constant and vigilant listening to your own true voice.
I honor the courage, willingness and fearlessness that it takes to follow its difficult requests.
And, I expect nothing less from you or I.
I don’t need to be your Valentine on Valentine’s Day.
I need YOU to be YOUR OWN Valentine all year long.
I need you to honor my need to be MY OWN Valentine.
We’ve been the fake little paper dolls that sell for 99 cents.
We’ve tried to please each other.
But, it never brought us real love or happiness.
I want to know if you have the courage to be a priceless valentines–
One that trust me and the divinity that connects us heart-to-heart
I want to know if you care to give yourself the gift of profound Self love,
So that you might magically receive my gift–
The only one that I can give, my True Self.
So don’t figure out how to be my valentine on this day.
Figure out how to be your valentine.
Not the valentine that you were taught to be
Not the valentine that your mother, father, teachers, or friends have been.
Be the unique valentine
The one that you have never dared to be.
Be the one that would willingly piss off everyone you have ever known for freedom.
And then, only then, give me that Valentine.
Then you’ll see the love that you have rejected.
That is what Valentine’s Day really is.
That is the gift I give to you.
With much love, Cathy